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What Should You Not Say to a Chemo Patient?

Published in Cancer Communication Etiquette 5 mins read

When communicating with someone undergoing chemotherapy, the goal is to offer genuine support without adding to their burden or invalidating their experience. Certain phrases, though often well-intentioned, can be unhelpful, insensitive, or even harmful.

Phrases to Avoid and Why

It's crucial to be mindful of your words, as chemotherapy is an incredibly challenging journey, both physically and emotionally. Here's a breakdown of common phrases to steer clear of, and the reasoning behind why they can be problematic:

1. Unsolicited Advice or Miracle Cures

Phrases like:

  • "I read about this new diet that cures cancer!"
  • "Have you tried [alternative treatment/supplement]?"
  • "You should really try to stay positive."

Why to avoid: These statements can imply that the patient is not doing enough, or that their chosen medical path is insufficient. They can create doubt, guilt, and a sense of responsibility for their illness, overlooking the complexities of medical treatment. It also dismisses the expertise of their oncology team.

2. False Positivity or Guarantees

Phrases like:

  • "I know you will get better!"
  • "You'll beat this, you're so strong!"
  • "Everything happens for a reason."

Why to avoid: While meant to encourage, these can place immense pressure on the patient to perform optimism, even when they feel scared or unwell. It dismisses their very real fears and the unpredictable nature of cancer. When faced with difficult outcomes, such statements can feel incredibly isolating and make the patient feel like they've failed.

3. Minimizing or Comparing Their Experience

Phrases like:

  • "I know what you're going through." (Unless you've had cancer yourself and they've specifically asked for shared experiences.)
  • "My [friend/relative] had cancer and..." (especially if the story ends negatively or is a dramatic comparison).
  • "Just live in the moment."

Why to avoid: Every cancer journey is unique. Claiming to understand their profound experience, when you haven't lived it, can feel dismissive and isolating. Sharing unsolicited stories about others, particularly negative ones, can instill fear or make the conversation about your experience rather than theirs. Telling someone to "just live in the moment" can invalidate their worries, pain, or the daily grind of treatment.

4. Focusing on Your Own Anxiety or Burdening Them

Phrases like:

  • "I can't stop worrying about you."
  • "You scared me so much when I heard!"

Why to avoid: While your concern is natural, sharing your anxiety can add another emotional burden to a patient who is already overwhelmed. They may feel responsible for comforting you, diverting energy they desperately need for their own fight.

5. Asking Intrusive Questions or Expressing Shock

Phrases like:

  • "Really you have cancer?"
  • "What are your chances of survival?"
  • "How much time do you have left?"

Why to avoid: These questions can be deeply personal, intrusive, and unsettling. They put the patient in an awkward position, potentially forcing them to discuss sensitive details they may not be ready or willing to share. Expressions of shock can also make them feel like their illness is a spectacle.

6. Commenting on Their Appearance

Phrases like:

  • "You look good/bad today."
  • "You've lost/gained so much weight."

Why to avoid: Chemotherapy often brings visible side effects like hair loss, weight changes, or skin issues. Patients are often highly sensitive about their altered appearance. Comments, even if intended as compliments, can highlight changes they are self-conscious about or be jarringly inaccurate to how they actually feel. It's best to focus on their well-being rather than their looks.

What to Say Instead

Instead of these unhelpful phrases, focus on offering genuine support, presence, and listening.

Phrase to Avoid Why It's Unhelpful Instead, Try Saying...
"I know what you're going through." Minimizes their unique pain; rarely accurate. "I can only imagine how challenging this must be. How are you feeling today?"
"You'll be fine!" / "I know you will get better!" Offers false assurance; adds pressure; dismisses their fear. "I'm here for you, no matter what. What do you need today?"
"Have you tried [unsolicited diet/cure]?" Implies they aren't doing enough; creates doubt about their medical team. "How are you feeling about your treatment plan?"
"Just stay positive!" / "Live in the moment!" Invalidates their negative emotions; can feel dismissive. "It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling right now. I'm here to listen."
"I can't stop worrying about you." Puts the burden of your emotional state on them. "I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughts."
"Really, you have cancer?" Can sound disbelieving or insensitive. "I'm so sorry to hear that. How are you doing?"
"My [friend/relative] had cancer and..." Can introduce fear, unsolicited comparison, or focus on unrelated experiences. "I'm here to listen if you want to talk, or just be quiet. What would be helpful?"
"You look good/bad." Can be superficial or inadvertently highlight changes they're self-conscious about. "It's good to see you." / "How are you feeling today?"

For more insights on supportive communication, you can refer to resources like those from Roswell Park Comprehensive Cancer Center. The best approach is to listen more than you speak, offer practical help, and validate their feelings without judgment.