Why shouldn't you use the word "always"?

Why Shouldn't You Use the Word 'Always'?

The word "always" should generally be avoided because it is an extreme and often inaccurate term that can lead to miscommunication, invalidate others' efforts, and create defensiveness in conversations. It rarely reflects the nuance of reality and can significantly hinder constructive dialogue.

The Impact of Extreme Language

Using words like "always" or "never" in communication can have a significant negative impact, particularly in interpersonal relationships and conflict resolution. These extreme terms carry a heavy emotional weight that can derail productive discussions.

Fostering Defensiveness and Invalidating Efforts

When you use "always" in a discussion, especially with a relationship partner, it immediately puts the other person on the defensive. This is because such extreme terms are rarely truly accurate and often ignore or downplay any effort or action the other person may have taken. For example, telling someone, "You always leave the dishes out," can make them feel like their occasional efforts to clean are completely dismissed, leading to frustration, resentment, and a breakdown in trust. It implies a complete lack of effort, even if that's not the case.

Exaggeration and Inaccuracy

In most real-life scenarios, something rarely happens "always." Using this word often exaggerates the situation, making your claim seem less credible and more like an accusation. It shifts the focus from the specific, manageable issue to an unfair, sweeping generalization, which can be easily disputed by a single counterexample. This overstatement can erode your credibility in a discussion.

Hindering Constructive Dialogue

Extreme language tends to shut down productive conversation. When someone feels unfairly accused, generalized, or that their efforts are being ignored, they are less likely to listen, acknowledge their part, or work towards a solution. Instead, the discussion might devolve into an argument about the accuracy of the "always" statement rather than focusing on the actual problem that needs to be addressed. This can escalate conflict and prevent meaningful progress.

Practical Alternatives to "Always"

Instead of using "always," opt for more precise and less confrontational language. This allows for more accurate communication, encourages a collaborative approach to problem-solving, and maintains a healthier dynamic in your interactions.

Here are some effective alternatives:

1. Specific Instances: Focus on concrete examples.
   • Instead of: "You always interrupt me."
   • Try: "I've noticed you interrupted me a few times during our conversation today."
2. Frequency Adverbs: Use words that indicate general frequency without being absolute.
   • Instead of: "You always forget to call."
   • Try: "You often forget to call," or "You sometimes forget to call."
3. "I" Statements: Express your feelings and perceptions without blaming.
   • Instead of: "You always make me feel bad."
   • Try: "I feel bad when [specific action] happens."
4. Descriptive Language: Detail the observation or problem.
   • Instead of: "You always complain."
   • Try: "When you talk about [specific topic], I hear a lot of complaints."
5. Focus on the Impact: Explain how their actions affect you.
   • Instead of: "You're always late."
   • Try: "When you're late, it makes me feel [emotion] because [reason]."

Enhancing Communication Through Precision

Choosing precise language over extreme terms fosters healthier communication patterns and stronger relationships.

• Reduces Conflict: By avoiding immediate defensiveness, it creates a more receptive environment for discussion.
• Promotes Accuracy: It ensures that your statements reflect reality more truthfully, building trust and credibility.
• Encourages Open Dialogue: It keeps channels of communication open, making it easier for both parties to express themselves and work towards solutions.
• Validates Efforts: It acknowledges that while a problem exists, it doesn't dismiss any attempts or exceptions the other person might have made.

The Contrast of Language

Understanding the direct consequences of word choice can highlight why "always" is often detrimental.

By opting for more measured and accurate language, you can transform confrontational discussions into productive conversations, leading to better understanding and stronger relationships.