When you are unsure of someone's gender, the most effective approach is to focus on treating them as a human being whose gender is not necessarily relevant to the interaction. Modern politeness prioritizes respectful communication through adaptable strategies.
Modern Politeness and Communication
The landscape of polite communication has evolved. While traditional cues once dictated interactions, contemporary politeness emphasizes respect through individual recognition. This means shifting focus from presumed gender to respectful engagement, often by adapting inclusive communication strategies. This approach includes:
- Asking about pronouns: Directly and respectfully inquiring about someone's pronouns.
- Using identified names and pronouns: Consistently using the name and pronouns a person has identified for themselves.
- Selecting neutral terminology: Opting for gender-neutral language when a person's gender is unknown or irrelevant.
Practical Strategies for Respectful Communication
Navigating interactions when gender is unknown involves a combination of mindful language and direct, respectful inquiry.
1. Prioritize Basic Human Respect
The fundamental principle is to simply treat them as a human being. Often, a person's gender doesn't need to be known for a polite and productive conversation. Focus on the purpose of your interaction rather than making assumptions.
2. Respectfully Inquire About Pronouns
If gender becomes relevant to the conversation, or if you anticipate needing to refer to them in the third person, asking about pronouns is a polite and inclusive step.
- How to ask:
- "What pronouns do you use?"
- "Could you share your pronouns with me?"
- "My pronouns are [Your Pronouns], what are yours?"
- When to ask:
- During introductions.
- In professional settings where you might be referring to colleagues.
- If you're unsure how to address someone respectfully.
- What not to do: Avoid making assumptions based on appearance or voice.
3. Utilize Gender-Neutral Language
When you don't know someone's pronouns, or if it's not appropriate to ask, gender-neutral language is a valuable tool. This avoids misgendering and ensures inclusivity.
Common Gender-Neutral Alternatives:
| Category | Avoid Using (if unsure) | Use Instead |
|---|---|---|
| Titles | Mr./Ms./Mrs. | Mx. (pronounced Mix), Dr., Prof. |
| Collective | Ladies and gentlemen | Folks, Everyone, Y'all, Team |
| Singular | He/She, Him/Her | They/Them (singular) |
| Roles | Waiter/Waitress | Server |
| General | Manpower | Workforce, Staff |
- Examples in action:
- Instead of "He left his keys," say "They left their keys."
- Instead of "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen," say "Welcome, everyone."
- Instead of "Dear Sir/Madam," use "To Whom It May Concern" or "Dear [Name/Title]."
4. Use Identified Names and Pronouns Consistently
Once you know a person's identified name and pronouns, make a conscious effort to use them consistently. This demonstrates respect and validates their identity. If you make a mistake, correct yourself quickly and move on without over-apologizing, which can make the other person uncomfortable.
Cultivating an Inclusive Environment
By adopting these practices, you contribute to a more inclusive and respectful environment. It signals that you value individuals for who they are and are committed to communicating in a way that affirms their identity. Modern politeness is about recognizing and honoring each person's unique self.
