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How do I tell my partner what to do in bed?

Published in Sexual Communication 3 mins read

It's crucial to communicate your desires clearly and directly to your partner about what you enjoy during intimacy.

Open and Honest Communication is Key

Talking about sex can sometimes feel awkward, but it's the foundation for a fulfilling and enjoyable experience for both partners. The reference suggests that being straightforward about your wants is essential. This means being direct and clear rather than hinting or hoping your partner will guess your desires.

How to Communicate Effectively:

  • Timing: Choose a time when you both are relaxed and not distracted. This might be during a cuddle on the couch, a walk, or after sex when you both are feeling open and connected.
  • Use "I" Statements: Instead of saying things like "You never..." or "Why don't you...", frame your needs using "I" statements. For example, say "I really enjoy it when..." or "I feel good when...".
  • Be Specific: Don’t be afraid to get into the details. Instead of saying "I like it rough", say "I like it when you squeeze my thigh while kissing my neck," for example. Be clear about where you want to be touched, and how.
  • Positive Reinforcement: Focus on what you do want, not just what you don’t. Compliment what your partner is doing well.
  • Ask Questions: Make it a two-way conversation. Ask your partner what they like, too. Be curious and open to discovering what each of you enjoys.
  • During Intimacy: Once things get intimate, continue to communicate, the reference says you must tell your partner what feels good and what you’d like them to do differently. Let your partner know what is working well, and gently guide them towards what you’d like more of.
    • Examples:
      • “Yes, right there, that feels great.”
      • “Could you try moving your hand a little higher?”
      • “I love it when you kiss me like that.”
      • "It would feel better if you used a little more pressure."

Don't Forget Consent

Always ask before touching your partner, as the reference suggests: "Tell them where and how you'd like to touch them, and ask them if you can.". This is not only respectful, but it also enhances the intimacy and trust between you both.

Table: Examples of Direct and Indirect Communication

Indirect Communication Direct Communication
Sighing softly and moving slightly. "I like when you massage my back, it feels amazing."
Hoping they change technique. “Could you try that a little slower?"
Implying you dislike what is happening. "I would prefer if you tried something else. Maybe..."
Avoiding eye contact or tensing up. "I’m not really enjoying that, can we try something different?"

By utilizing clear, direct, and respectful communication, you can guide your partner toward a more enjoyable and fulfilling sexual experience for both of you.